Comical Rules for a Pong Club (Revised)
From PiedPipersHouseOfPong
(3rd Edition – Copyright Sept 2009)
1. Beer is allowed (but not sold or provided) to anyone of age. Bring your own whine, but please voice it outdoors. Mixed drinks should include ice not dice.
2. The Big Wrestling Guy is not allowed to enter the Pong Club because he has an ongoing grudge against Pong even though he can’t spell the word. If he ever is not angry, let the Associated Press know because that would be big news.
3. The Bamboo Stick Guy is allowed to enter only if he is in a good mood, or if he is angry at the Big Wrestling Guy, and will volunteer to guard the Pong Club door.
4. If no volunteers are guarding the door, and either the Big Wrestling Guy or an angry Bamboo Stick Guy attempts to enter the Club, seek immediate help from the U. S. Marines (all of them). If you have personally volunteered to guard the door, please see the Pied Piper about a $10,000 toothpick that is for sale.
5. Pips-out players must floss their bats before every match. If your pips are long you must shave them. To purchase the specialty long-pips shaving cream, mail the check to Captain Long Pips at Pirates Barber Supply, Barbary Coast.
6. Smoking is not allowed indoors; however unlit pipes or cigars can dangle from the mouth, if not used to hide serves. Door Guards are allowed chewing tobacco if they intend to spit at the Big Wrestling Guy as he attempts to enter (in his usual rage of anger). Door guards causing him to slip and fall will have dues waived, if they tell Dick Cheney of the easy target. If the Big Wrestling Guy doesn’t fall down, pray that you are a fast runner with a well equipped hide out.
7. Hats of all kinds, even rumpled ones, are welcomed and encouraged as they add flavor to Pong. Large hats, the size of peacocks must not be used to hide a serve.
8. Real peacocks though allowed are discouraged for reasons obvious to all but the Big Wrestling Guy. Clean up peacock crap or answer to the Bamboo Stick Guy.
9. Pongers are not allowed to pluck feathers out of live peacocks. This has been shown to make the Bamboo Stick Guy angry and distract other players. (The noise the peacock makes is similar to his howl). If the Bamboo Stick Guy wants your peacock - Give him the bird. If you translate that last instruction wrong, no hospital and/or burial fees are covered by the Pong Club.
10. Pongers can get their dues reduced by lodging a pong ball within any orifice of the Big Wrestling Guy. The discount is not enough to cover hospital expenses. Any Ponger “clever” enough to lodge a cluster of balls will have all Pong Club dues waived until the funeral, but no burial fees are paid by the Club.
The Pied Piper of Pong