Comical Rules for a Pong Club (Revised)
From PiedPipersHouseOfPong
1. Beer will be allowed (but not provided or sold) to anyone of age. Bring your own whine, but please voice it outdoors.
2. No "Big Wrestling Guys who have a grudge against Pong" allowed (they can't spell "pong" anyways).
3. The "Bamboo Stick Guy" is allowed in - only if he is in a good mood, or if he is angry at the Big Wrestling Guy and will guard the door.
4. All pips players must floss their bats before every match. And if your pips are long, you must shave them too. If you need to purchase the specially-designed long pips shaving cream, make the check out to Captain Long Pips and mail the check to Pirates Barber Supply, Barbary Coast.
5. No Smoking indoors - but unlit Pipes and Cigars can hang out of your mouth, as long as you don't use them to hide your serve. Chewing tobacco is allowed only if you spit at the "Big Wrestling Guy" as he attempts to enter the establishment in his usual rage of anger. If you make him slip and fall, your dues are covered for the evening. If he does fall, call Dick Cheney and tell him you know of an easy target to shoot.
6. Hats of all kinds are welcome, including rumpled ones. In fact, hats are encouraged. Large hats, the size of peacocks, must not be used to hide your serve. Real peacocks are discouraged, and if the peacock craps, you clean it up -- or you will answer to The Bamboo Stick Guy.
7. If you beat the Club Manager in Pong, your dues are subject to increase, unless you qualify for # 8 or # 9.
8. The Pong Club Management reserves the right to lower dues for anyone who can best the Piper in alliteration of the type: Pompous Pied Pipers Painstakingly Produce Pong-Pertaining Poetry for Pingers, Poets, Pirates, People-Pleasers, Parachutists, and Pavlovian Power Pongers.
9. If you lodge a ping pong ball in any orifice of the "Big Wrestling Guy", you get your dues reduced (but not by enough to cover your hospital expenses). If you lodge a cluster of balls, your dues are covered until your funeral, but no funeral expenses are paid by the Pong Club.
10. No player is allowed to pull feathers out of live peacocks (it could make the Bamboo Stick Guy angry and distract other players).